by Rotten Akers Captain Tinnitus staggered toward the voluptuous figure, empty rum in hand. Her fingers ran along her scantily clothed body, wet and grimy in the ashen rain, with hungry eyes. “I’ve had enough watchin’ me crew torn apart as cannon fodder, m’lady!” He burped. “I beg you, I’m in need of a woman’s […]
by Scott O’Neill “Just surrender! We’re about through,” crowed Ensign Richards. A plasma cutter splattered molten metal from the freighter’s final bulkhead. Muffled contralto laughter sounded behind the hatch. “Dear boy, the renowned star pirate Captain Jane Hotchkiss doesn’t surrender.” “Renowned? Notorious, maybe. You’ve no engines and minimal life support,” said Richards. “Where could you […]
by Keech Ballard The hardest part of leading a pirate crew is not the danger. Nor the violence. Nor the uncertain income prospects. Nor the moral and ethical ambivalence of existentiality. It’s the training requirements. Newly minted pirates are always too much. Or too little. Or too something. It’s not like the job comes with […]
by Jessica Gleason As the bilge stilled, rancid water backing up into the hull, Stabby Scoop smiled. She’d staved across the galley unnoticed, sneaking deep into the ship’s belly to despatch the bilge workers, hoping to sink her older sister’s ship. “Did ye hear the cannons last night?” she’d ask passersby, attempting small talk as […]
by Rich Rurshell “The Leviathan!” spat ‘Gunpowder’ McGregor. His motley crew sneered and cackled. “You think that relic stands a chance against the Cutter? She could take the Leviathan and the entire naval fleet with ease.” Captain Jack Jones cleaned the dirt from beneath his fingernails with a small pocketknife. He glanced around the impressive […]
by Lisa H. Owens “Today, we’ll explore found footage—the Blair Witch methodology.” Professor McDaft drew attention to the film’s glacial backdrop, “Akin to The Ring, you’ll also notice effective usage of stop-motion technique.” A distant waddle of penguins teetered a sluggish approach, then the scene skipped, and the penguins were closer, their eyes glimmering pinpricks. […]
by Sasha Brown One by one, the penguins adopt us. One by one, we disappoint. Tucked under their bulky stomachs, beneath their piss-caked feathers, we screech and flail and struggle. The giant birds stab down–elegantly, surgically, long beaks puncturing our tiny human skulls. I watch, I learn. When it’s my turn, I curl my pale […]
by C. L. Sidell G’day, mate! Want to play a vital role in the well-being of nature’s waddling tuxedo-wearing birds? Do you have a valid ID or permanent address? Folks who worry about you? Know how to swim? Extra points if you don’t. Good news! You’re hired! First thing, let’s introduce you to these little […]
by Scott O’Neill Thunderous roars shook Sydney Harbour. “Deploy the penguins,” ordered Professor Miller from the twin-hulled research vessel trailing the kaiju. “May science succeed where bombs failed.” Hundreds of cybernetically modified little penguins swarmed from shipboard holding pens. The kaiju faltered and wailed plaintively as the chromed beaks of augmented penguins carved cruel radio-directed […]
by Stuart Docherty If you are reading this, then it is too late. Another child has disappeared at the zoo. The police enforced a lockdown and began searching the enclosures. Of course, they went straight for the large predators. I heard they will put down a lion. We were given limited access, allowed to continue […]